Two years

Two years ago this past Sunday (which this year so endearingly fell on Grandparent's Day) my sweet mom came to pick Preston & Bella up for a fun weekend at the cabin. I remember so vividly her walking in the door, having our chat, me running all over grabbing last-minute things & her shaking her head because she said I packed more than enough & reminding me she had young kids once ;) ...& no she did not need all the instructions ;) It was definitely an inside joke that as many nights she would have the kiddos overnight, I way over-explained alllll the details of when this, where that, etc. As we got the kiddos packed up, I started to feel weary. I think of this feeling all the time; I just for some reason felt worried about the drive, worried everyone would be ok, etc...more than I normally do. After all the hugs & kisses, I watched them drive off, blowing kisses & waving. For a reason I knew not why then, I stood at the end of the driveway for an extra long time, until the car was well out of sight, waving goodbye. On September 14, 2013, my life was forever changed when I received a phone call that still to this day seems unreal. She had passed, and even now I  hardly find the courage to believe it. I look back on the past two years as a learning curve. There have been countless situations where I needed her advice & guidance more than ever. One of my worst nightmares was of losing her, & it became a sickenly awful reality. I thank God for a loving husband, amazing children, & those closest to me that have probably heard way more than they were bargaining for in the wake of losing her these past years. I feel like God has taught some amazing life lessons since then, & though she is not by my side, I know her heart & spirit will always guide me. One of the many things I always remember her telling me when I was upset or hurt or just plain feeling down was to "rise above it." It sounds SO simple, but most days I am going through something tough or just want to be sad it's not that easy. Though my mom had many a day that she could choose to be sad, I always saw her rising above it & choosing to be positive in times when it would not have been so easy. This week I have let myself be sad, because I feel like I really try my hardest most days to rise above life's bumps-- whatever they might be. I miss her more than I can describe, I miss the thousands of memories we never got to share, I miss the gazillion memories I know Preston, Bella, & Vivi would have. And I miss mostly my best friend and confidante and the hours on the phone & in person dissecting so many things a mama & daughter do. But in lieu of letting myself spiral in forever sadness, I know that God's plan is not always our plan. I wake up each day with renewed hope for living a life as a mother, wife, friend, & overall woman that would make her proud. I feel many days she did so much better, but the one thing that guides me more than anything is just the immense, deep, love I still feel from each & everyday I spent or spoke to her. She was always so wonderful sharing how much she loved us & how much we meant to her. I feel her love all day everyday, and so much more. That alone, along with the occasional snippet in time I will be doing something, & I can hear her joking with me, knodding her head or shaking it, is what makes me know that this life & the precious memories sure is and are sweet. I need to remember that and on the hardest of days like today, know that I have a million beautiful memories that I get to hold in my heart forever & ever. I thought I had no words, but apparently I had a lot this time around. But there just are never enough. The beautiful smiley face that my step-dad had so lovingly placed with her epitaph says it all. She wanted more than anything for my brother & I & truly all of those around her to be happy. No matter how hard the days without her, I do try my best, & many days just because of her. 💛 

Walking by Faith, not by Sight

Losing a parent at the age of 28 was just about one of the biggest shocks I could ever imagine happening.  The year-and-a-half  of grieving since this tragic accident have taught far too many "life lessons" to delve adequately into.  As a young wife and mother of three, life and all its lessons from the previous decades hit me like a crashing wave.  I knew my whole life I had strong faith, walked with the Lord, believed, read His word, and tried to live it out the best I could.  Yet when September 14, 2013 ended, and I had to accept that my earthly walk with my sweet mom had passed, there was an intense feeling of anxiety that swept over me.  How in the world was I to hold strong for myself and my little ones, how on earth could I go on without being able to physically pick up the phone multiple times a day to seek advice from the one whom I trusted guidance most? 

 

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Over the hours, days, weeks, months, and now year,  the biggest realization I have come to is that my greatest gift for coping has been something that is free, irreplaceable, and the biggest blessing ever taught and given to me besides my little family-- my faith.  It is the most precious gift I carry, lean on, and cling to every.single.day.  It is a priceless gift that God gave me via my parents' rich and strong faith and teaching growing up.  It was my Sunday school teachers, the Christian school I attended, the nightly prayers with both of my parents at my brother and I's bedside growing up, and the Awana program where we memorized scripture that still comes to my mind to this day that keep me on track-- taking it one day at a time, one foot in front of another.  

I may not have my sweet mom here physically right now, but I feel her in so many ways everyday.  There are days I skid through, cry through, meander through, just get through, and run through to get to the next, but altogether each day when I feel a deep darkness setting in, I call to Jesus to rescue me from letting myself feel too depressed.  I turn on Christian radio, read the Bible, or a good devotional.  And God leads me through each and every time.  That is not to say some days are just plain hard or sad, but because of the faith I was taught, saw in action, and believe in my heart, I know that everyday on this earth is fleeting.  We really do not know when our last day here will be. It sounds so harsh, but it is the truth.  Why not lean on Him and lay all of our burdens at His feet to take away from us? It sounds so simple, but we just make it too hard.  Whether you are dealing with a close loss or other hardships that are not so intense, it is so easy to get caught up in the "oh woe is me."  Of course we are all allowed to feel this way, but we need to make sure to not get stuck there.  God wants to deliver us from our pain and anguish.  All we need to do is look to Him and have faith that He will keep us going.  

There are so so many days when I feel sorry for myself, go out and see moms with their daughters and grandchildren, hear and see stories of moms and daughters, and just plain want to be sad.  But the silver lining in this sadness is the realization that I have an intense appreciation, love, and respect for my sweet mom that I always knew I had-- yet on a much deeper level.  In great times of trouble and hardship in our lives, it comes as a big blessing and epiphany to look around and be happy and grateful for what we do have.  How we train our mind to think will be the outcome of how we live out our life.  For myself, I may not have a mom to talk to and enjoy life here on earth like we did before, but I have her immense love, beautiful, sweet memories, and trust in Jesus she taught me to be so thankful for.  This is one of the greatest gifts she could have ever give me-- my faith that "God has a plan" as she said almost every day.  For me, I know His plan for my life is so different than so many others when it comes to having a mama by my side physically.  I know that part of His plan is that I need to walk by faith and not by sight.  I need to trust Him everyday-- hard days and easier ones, sad, depressing days and happier ones.  All the time I choose to walk by faith.  

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I know so many whose burden might be so different than this particular one, but in so many ways the feelings are the same.  Always walk by faith and feed your mind with His word and truths, and you too can walk by faith and not by sight.  Pray and God will start to deliver from darkness or the temptation thereof.  The days are long, but the years are short.  This life is too short to not believe that God wants us to come to Him and lay our burdens down and set our hearts free.  Hold on and be grateful for all we do have and the gifts life has given us.  I walk in the knowledge that someday I will get to see my sweet mom again.  And I can tell her "thank you" for the gift of faith you gave me that kept me going and making it one day to the next. 2 Corinthians 5:6-8 states, "Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord-- for we walk by faith, not by sight-- we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord.…" I choose to be rich in faith everyday-- knowing that this time here is short.  I would not give up the gift of faith for anything.  I hope this has encouraged you to realize how God created us to lean on him and walk by faith, knowing He is with us every step of the way-- sometimes carrying us through the hardest of days and times.   

 

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 I hope you could find some kind of hope from this post for something you may be going through today, or something that may happen in the future. As I have to even remind myself daily, God loves us all and wants us to talk to Him during the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He is by our sides if we just look. 

Also, I would love for you all to check out my sweet friend Andrea's new blog!! She just started blogging, and I am SO excited to follow along with her sweet family and a very special book she is sharing that her sweet mom wrote for her to have before she passed away.  It truly is a treasure and SO inspiring, and you should visit her blog and follow along in her journey as well!  Happy Wednesday!! 

...until next time!! (which hopefully this time will not be 7 months!)  Eeeek! Having a baby sure has put this mama behind on any blogging, but I sure hope to keep up with it more!

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