Two years

Two years ago this past Sunday (which this year so endearingly fell on Grandparent's Day) my sweet mom came to pick Preston & Bella up for a fun weekend at the cabin. I remember so vividly her walking in the door, having our chat, me running all over grabbing last-minute things & her shaking her head because she said I packed more than enough & reminding me she had young kids once ;) ...& no she did not need all the instructions ;) It was definitely an inside joke that as many nights she would have the kiddos overnight, I way over-explained alllll the details of when this, where that, etc. As we got the kiddos packed up, I started to feel weary. I think of this feeling all the time; I just for some reason felt worried about the drive, worried everyone would be ok, etc...more than I normally do. After all the hugs & kisses, I watched them drive off, blowing kisses & waving. For a reason I knew not why then, I stood at the end of the driveway for an extra long time, until the car was well out of sight, waving goodbye. On September 14, 2013, my life was forever changed when I received a phone call that still to this day seems unreal. She had passed, and even now I  hardly find the courage to believe it. I look back on the past two years as a learning curve. There have been countless situations where I needed her advice & guidance more than ever. One of my worst nightmares was of losing her, & it became a sickenly awful reality. I thank God for a loving husband, amazing children, & those closest to me that have probably heard way more than they were bargaining for in the wake of losing her these past years. I feel like God has taught some amazing life lessons since then, & though she is not by my side, I know her heart & spirit will always guide me. One of the many things I always remember her telling me when I was upset or hurt or just plain feeling down was to "rise above it." It sounds SO simple, but most days I am going through something tough or just want to be sad it's not that easy. Though my mom had many a day that she could choose to be sad, I always saw her rising above it & choosing to be positive in times when it would not have been so easy. This week I have let myself be sad, because I feel like I really try my hardest most days to rise above life's bumps-- whatever they might be. I miss her more than I can describe, I miss the thousands of memories we never got to share, I miss the gazillion memories I know Preston, Bella, & Vivi would have. And I miss mostly my best friend and confidante and the hours on the phone & in person dissecting so many things a mama & daughter do. But in lieu of letting myself spiral in forever sadness, I know that God's plan is not always our plan. I wake up each day with renewed hope for living a life as a mother, wife, friend, & overall woman that would make her proud. I feel many days she did so much better, but the one thing that guides me more than anything is just the immense, deep, love I still feel from each & everyday I spent or spoke to her. She was always so wonderful sharing how much she loved us & how much we meant to her. I feel her love all day everyday, and so much more. That alone, along with the occasional snippet in time I will be doing something, & I can hear her joking with me, knodding her head or shaking it, is what makes me know that this life & the precious memories sure is and are sweet. I need to remember that and on the hardest of days like today, know that I have a million beautiful memories that I get to hold in my heart forever & ever. I thought I had no words, but apparently I had a lot this time around. But there just are never enough. The beautiful smiley face that my step-dad had so lovingly placed with her epitaph says it all. She wanted more than anything for my brother & I & truly all of those around her to be happy. No matter how hard the days without her, I do try my best, & many days just because of her. 💛