Taking Your Blinders Off

This post I wrote as a guest blogging spot for Loren Slocum that published here  to her blog July 8th. Today I am sharing the exact same post with you here. 

Take a walk with me through my testimony in faith in our Lord Jesus and what kept me going when I thought I was dealt one or two many cards to deal with in this life. 

We all have those dreams where we wake up and are just so happy that the bad dream or nightmare we were having was not reality.  And so many of us have those times in our lives where we certainly wish our reality was just a bad dream or nightmare.  For myself, there have been two major times in my life where I have felt the latter.  

Flashback to the summer of 1999, and it was about a month before starting my freshman year at a new school. I had just finished my first year in a new town where I had met so many wonderful friends and was a happy-go-lucky young teen of 14. I had finally felt settled in a great group of friends and life was pretty perfect.  To make a very long story short, I had been experiencing pain in my left knee for months and after much troubleshooting and doctor visits I was diagnosed with osteosarcoma (a specific form of bone cancer.) What ensued in the following year was endless rounds of intense chemotherapy treatments, about 100 overnight stays in the hospital, blood transfusions, bone scans, CT scans, x-rays, losing all my hair, daily blood draws, a knee and femur bone replacement, and many many tears. Turning 15 the day after my limb-sparing surgery was the biggest eye-opening experience of my life (or so I thought at the time). The physical therapy was harder than I could have ever imagined.  To put such a foreign object into your leg and tell it to bend like a normal one I thought was just not possible.  I was ecstatic to get a centimeter of bend every appointment.  All while going through this there was one constant person-- my sweet mom.  She quit a wonderful job that she was succeeding in to be by my side every.step.of.the.way.  She became more than ever before my confidant, best friend, teacher, comforter, and my constant shoulder to cry on.  She led me out of more days of darkness and feeling depressed than I can accurately remember.  She would always tell me to "stay strong" and "we can get through this."  I specifically remember one very hard night when I was feeling just so down and hopeless.  All I wanted (or so I thought) was for her to let me be sad, cry with me, etc.  She knelt by my bedside and said to me, "You have to be positive; stay strong, and do not think about the sad things.  Everything is going to be ok."  Needless to say it was not the "pity party" I wanted to have.  She refused to let me go into a dark place; it was just not an option.  As I got older I learned more and more that my mom had her own days where she felt the same way I did that night especially.  But while I was going through it, she never told me.  She stayed strong for me and did not let me fall into such a sad place.  

Flash-forward to present time, and I am now living life without my sweet mama for almost 10 months. God took her from us so unexpectedly that I can not even bear to fathom that she really is not physically here with me. There are many sad, lonely, and hard days where I want to let myself fall into a deep depression.  But the craziest thing is that I just know I can not.  I am not allowed, and she would not have it.  I think back to her at my bedside telling me I have to stay positive and that everything will be ok.  She always always always would tell me, "God has a plan."  I have to rest assured in some sort of peace knowing this.   I just know in my heart that all she ever wanted was for me to be happy, and that is what I need to be.  It is amazing these moments and experiences God gives you in life that eventually turn into our past that set us up to be able to persevere through our future trials in this time we have here on Earth.  We can keep our blinders on and only look at what is right in front of us-- the sadness, the fear, the depression, the anxiety-- or we can take the blinders off and know that so much of a happy, joyful life is in thinking positive, being strong, and not letting fears and sadness dictate our lives.  

I think back to a childhood Sunday school song that stated so simply, "Count your blessings name them one by one; count your blessings see what God has done."  If only we could all look around and only focus on the positive that God has put in our lives, life would be so much more sweet.  I know my mom always told me to be thankful for everything God has done in my life.  And today and everyday I am more grateful than ever for the children, family, and friends and life He has given me.  

...until next time!